You know what men like? Knowing how long something is, or how far away it is. Know what they (I) don’t like? Stretching out a dinky tape measure that keeps shimmying or bending or snapping back into the roll. The solution to everything is always lasers. Lasers can do anything. Just ask Elon Musk.

Anyway, just point this Mileseey S50 at anything, press the button, set your starting measuring point, and it’ll tell you how far away it is. (It measures to 1/32 of an inch, but I wouldn’t trust it past 1/16 of an inch.) Get a tripod for it and you can also do point-to-point measurements from a distance. I’ve measured windows for fittings. Door jambs. Most of the rooms and spaces in my house. I’ve barely used tape for four months. Why use tape when you can use lasers? Mileseey says the green laser light on this S50 is more visible than red light during the daytime. Maybe this is true. There are also a whole lot of trigonometric functions I haven’t figured out, and the included instructions are only half helpful. But mostly I just want to know: How big is that thing? How far away?

A Real Man (™) is always mission-ready, whether he’s rappelling off a cliff or heading into the hotel bathroom to brush his teeth. That’s why he needs a multipurpose pouch made of water-resistant 600D Cordura Re/Cor. The military-inspired System Kit from SPC/LST features two sections that can snap together (one zips flat and has three internal pockets, while the other zips only on the top and has just one zippered pocket), along with a 20-mm side strap with a clip in case you need to attach it to your pack, truck, or parachute. —Kat Merck

Nothing is manlier than overkill. Lots of grill gloves can take a little heat, and save you from a hospital visit on a grill day. But can they take you to the gates of hell? These Hell Hands grill gloves from Big Green Egg are rated up to 900 degrees Fahrenheit. They’re made with thick cowhide that goes most of the way up to your elbows—and look like something you’d wear for the zombie apocalypse. The pads are made with thick, puncture-resistant Armortex fabric and stitched with Kevlar.

I don’t know if this makes these gloves bulletproof. But what I do know is that I have placed my palm flat onto a scalding 500-degree cast-iron pan while wearing one of these Hell Hands. I barely felt warmth, let alone heat. These gloves are monsters. But note that these gloves are thick enough that your hands will feel more like mittens than hands. You’ll need to use manly finger strength to flex them.

These pants are the most tactical pants of all pants, according to WIRED reviewer Scott Gilbertson. Cargo pants look like a baggy bouquet of pockets. But these pants? They are for men of action. They are stretch canvas, svelte, sturdy. They have pockets inside other pockets, pockets that remove traces of being pockets. If you’re the sort of guy who wants to look good, without looking like you want to look good, these pants are your pants.

You might wonder whether black is the most natural color for a cooler, given its propensity for absorbing heat. OK, and? Suck it up, and embrace the steely, Vader-esque manliness of this Ultra-Tough cooler from RTIC. It’s roto-molded, natch, but it’s also filled with 2.8 inches of foam. I have tested the 45-quart version while tailgating in temps where the cooler was actually helping keep our seltzers from exploding.

The Ultra-Tough is a beast to carry by yourself (the manly way, the way John Wayne would carry a cooler) because it weighs almost 30 pounds empty. This means it’s about 55 pounds with a 24-pack of Bud Light, and 60 pounds if you toss in a 5-pound bag of ice from the store. But the foam handles mounted on free-swinging ropes make it manageable. In terms of build quality, this RTIC cooler is actually a little more solid than the Yeti size 65 that I previously owned, especially when it comes to the leak-free screw-in drain plug. —Martin Cizmar

Pat LaFrieda is a New York butcher. His dad was a butcher, and his dad’s dad was a butcher, and so was the dad before that. The first butcher became a butcher after he got in a fistfight outside a butcher shop. This is Naples, Italy, we’re talking about, where you sell meat or you are the meat. (We made this proverb up, but it seems right.) Anyway, this is not just good but actually great beef in a box. Pat LaFrieda beef is the beef served at some of the most famous restaurants in New York. It will also come in the mail, wherever you are: fresh, never frozen. And then it goes on the fire. According to WIRED meat delivery guide boss Scott Gilbertson, smart people wait for that super-fresh beef with a catcher’s mitt, then cook it right up. Beef this good, you don’t make it wait.

Waxed canvas is a manly fabric. A working man’s fabric. It sheds water like a senator sheds consequences. But unlike politicians, this jacket builds character over time. It becomes itself. It’ll build your character, too—or at least make you into one. After all, this is the jacket Pedro Pascal wore in The Last of Us, worn and rubbed down until it became shades darker. Because this is what silent, manly men wear, and wardrobe people know this. And sure, this Flint and Tinder trucker’s jacket doesn’t breathe quite as well as boring, unwaxed cotton. It resists everything except compliments.

An American man gathers bulk over time. It is the burden he carries, like the weight of responsibility or the consequence of bacon. Anyway, this shirt is made for the stout at heart (and maybe middle) but strong of arm. It hugs the biceps and chest, showing off raw power. But unlike a lot of T-shirts, it doesn’t blouse out like a 1950s nightshirt. It’s a man’s shirt. For men who are a lot of man. A reliable white T-shirt, and a black T-shirt, are needed by pretty much all men.

If you put words Amazon doesn’t like in a product’s name, that immediately makes it more manly. To wit, there’s Duke Cannon’s Best Damn Beard Oil, for scratchy facial hair. This beard oil helps prevent ingrown hairs and makes facial hair feel softer to the touch. Though, please note, the bottle says explicitly that it’s “not for clowns,” so don’t buy this for any Pagliaccis in your life. —Eric Ravenscraft

Just look at that name: Moccamaster. This is a coffeemaker that drinks and breathes pure power and precision. The Technivorm Moccamaster is burly, yet precise. It makes old-school drip coffee, better than that fancy Starbucks stuff. But what the manly man in your life should truly love about the Moccamaster is that it’s real hand-tooled craftsmanship. It is perhaps the world’s only high-end coffee maker that looks like a power tool made by DeWalt, and it is just as sturdy.

It’s been handmade since 1968 in the Netherlands, a country where their idea of a party is often just blowing things up. The precision-made Moccamaster will keep your coffee within a four-degree range for optimum brewing. And its parts can be replaced or repaired, just like the engine of an old car. Judging from others’ experience, it’ll probably last you decades. What a machine. Moccamaster.

Cleaning something outside? Garden hoses are for girlie men. You need 2,600 pounds per square inch of water pressure dispensed from a tank on wheels. This model even comes in nature’s natural warning colors: black and yellow, like a wasp. The 35-foot cord ensures you’ll be able to cover plenty of territory, which is important because this Home Depot–exclusive set includes a FOAM CANNON for cleaning your F350 Super Duty, side-by-side, or wakeboard boat. It looks considerably less impressive in person than it sounds, and the foam produced plays fast and loose with the definition, but still: FOAM CANNON. —Kat Merck

Are you still using electricity to make espresso? Pressing buttons? Go off-grid. Pump your own instead. The Flair is a man-powered espresso machine, with a large lever that lets you self-generate the 9 bars of pressure needed to make good espresso. There’s a chamber for your grounds. There’s a chamber on top of that for hot water. Fill them up, and pull down on the handle—using a pressure gauge for a guide like the gauge on a High Striker carnival strongman game. Thick, crema-topped espresso will result. Want to double up on muscle? Here’s my favorite hand grinder, the Kingrinder K6 ($109), for perfect espresso powder.